Jeff the Killer Reboot Part 4

A long time coming! I know, I’m such a slow writer! Read parts 1, 2, and 3 if you haven’t already.

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Jeff and Liu waited at the bus stop with the exact same enthusiasm as criminals being carted off to the county jail. The sky above was a pale grey, and a sharp chill was in the air, reminding them that autumn was truly on its way. Liu sat on the curb while Jeff, thinking it too cold to sit on the concrete, choose to lean on the pole of the bus sign.

Drowsy, Jeff could feel himself nodding off in his boredom. Just another day in his insufferable life. So often he felt like this was the default emotion, every moment was some state of boredom that enveloped him like a cloud of smoke. And yet…

Suddenly, Jeff snapped his eyes open. The sound of something rolling was sudden, and shook him from his melancholy.

The source of it was soon realized, as a young skateboarder zoomed by and jumped directly over Liu’s lap. Liu must have had only a fraction of a second to lean back and prevent his face from colliding with the board.

“Shit!” Liu yelled, springing to his feet.

The skateboarder spun himself around, stopped, and kicked his board up. He seemed to take stock of Jeff and Liu with a look of satisfaction.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves some new sheep for the slaughter!” he said with unnerving cheer.

Jeff had made no real move at this point, but he could now observe his brother’s offender. With blonde, spiky hair the boy looked slightly younger than himself, wearing a bright orange hoodie with blue denim skater shorts. His face held a smug, shit-eating grin that didn’t quite fit with one so young. Jeff couldn’t help thinking that he looked far too much like Bart Simpson.

“What the hell is your problem?” Liu asked.

“Seeing as you two are new here, there are a few things you need to know,” the boy said. “My name is Randy Sutherland, the baddest motherfucker in this town! I call the shots, and there’s a little toll for taking the bus in this neighborhood. Pay up or you’ll regret it.”

Unimpressed, Liu rolled his eyes. “Dude, fuck off. Do you seriously think your little bad boy routine is supposed to scare us? You look like you just stopped pissing the bed last week! What are you gonna do? Give us a wedgie?”

“We’re too old for your bullshit,” Jeff agreed. “Go pick on some preschool kids.”

“Oh really?” Randy asked, unfazed. “You might want to think again, bitch.”

Rustling came from some nearby bushes, and two much larger boys slipped out to join him. The first had a slim build, a horrid case of acne, and had a dopey, drugged look on his face. The other was a pure behemoth of blubber, with an ugly scrunched face that probably made him look angry all the time. Both looked a year or two older than Randy, which left Jeff wondering how he managed to gain so much control over them.

“These are my associates: Keith and Troy. You choose the hard way, and they’ll wipe the floor with your bloody asshole. So what’s it gonna be? Payment or the cemetery?”

Liu and Jeff glanced at each other. There was no question. It was all they needed know they would take these losers on.

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7 Responses to “Jeff the Killer Reboot Part 4”

  1. So far the first 4 chapters are more better and refreshing than the original story (or all the more popular creepypasta narrators who try their damnest to make the terrible original version “work” with good production value with their audio drama)

    (Seriously check out Chilling Tales for dark nights Version of the story despite the A+ production values, some characters are miscast and some of the more terrible moments that are being taken seriously comes off as laughable in a “So bad it’s good” kinda way)

    Alright alright on to the critiques (well the best I can come up with on such short notice) of your reboot.

    I say that the pacing of the story feels natural and more easier to breathe through into the entirety of the tale so far, instead of that “Funny feeling” (which makes very easy snark bait for cynical reviewers) We flesh these things out that Jeff might be mentally unsound before in the past and Jeff’s family (particularly the mother) try to create a good image upon themselves not wanting the safe, quiet neighborhood town to judge them for some shortcomings or something “off” with the family.

    Jeff who wasn’t too terribly interesting in the original version is…well alright this time but I’m having a hard time getting to find his defining character trait outside of his troubled mental issues that are slowly resurfacing due to bad temprerment or some sarcastic quips and descriptions of the people he met or their actions, but at least so far his relationship with liu felt like a decent life long bromance thing going on.

    I’m looking more forward to see more of the story as it progresses.
    Wish someone gives this narration of your reboot some justice.

    • Thanks so much for the comment! I really appreciate the time you took to write such a detailed critique with my work. I know I’ve been kinda inattentive with updating RITS lately, but you’ve seem to have rekindled the fire for me. Hope to see more from you as well!

      • No problem Ms. Selby.

        While I’m not the best Jeff The Killer Fan (To be honest The Character and original plot is pretty tripe) BUT I’m the kind of guy who at least see potential of things that totally needed some good work and your reboot really shows that to be possible.

        Question and also I apologize if this comes outta nowhere to some extent but do you do writing commissions? I’m making a series of videos which are audio dramas starring a real life super hero named “The Spectre” a original character of mine who’s tales usually portray a young 15 year old “real life superhero” who dress up to fight crime and solve mysteries but end up facing against strange horrors the town has gotten. It’s like a creepypasta but more horror-esque and with a sense of continuity with a recurring protagonist facing the horror similar to known horror protagonist like Tommy Jarvis from the Friday the 13th flicks or Ash Williams from the Evil Dead series.

        If you’re not too interested, I understand and not wish to pester you on such things. But I am looking forward to your future work on the reboot and creepypasta critiques

      • As for commissions, it depends. How long do you need them to be, the time frame to get them to you, what are your expectations for me and what kind of compensation can I expect from you. Let me know and I’ll get back to you.

      • Hmm…I’ll do commissions. But due to my budget, I’ll pay you around 40-60$ for the story. With a 2-4 weeks deadline.

        Well for right now, I haven’t came up with what I’m gonna ask you to write about yet BUT after reading your reboot I appreciated your use of showing off elements of family with Jeff and his brother’s relationship and the relationship to the parents.

        Since In my older Spectre Stories (well concept notes) James Jordan’s family is barely even mentioned with hints that it was Jame’s (Spectre’s) fault that his time as a vigilante caused his police captain father his position and was reduced to a simple beat-cop.

        Also what I expect from you is that you get horror. You get it very well and the opening aspect of your reboot story shows that, with the kid claiming he’ll never sleep again or is traumatized felt obviously believable and relatable to me as a child not that I had the same experience or anything but “what if it happened”.

        Also I love your way of writing dialogue very fast and snappy with A lot of cynical and realistic way everyone talked, and it felt like I know who’s talking based on how they talked, getting into their personalities and heads.

        Well the idea I do have is The Spectre hears about an urban myth of The Anaconda Woman that lives within the sewers, but since it’s an urban myth he has no thoughts on it. Until his favorite neighbor Ms. Pearl, an old lady who he talks to about his problems and a cat lady complains about some of her pets are missing. James as The Spectre stake out to find out only to react in horror of the cats being grabbed by a large snake with the upper body similar to a human woman.

        The Rest of the story is Spectre learning the dark mystery of this Anaconda woman and eventually faces off against it.

        That’s the best summary I can come up with. I an give you ideas and refs of the character if you want since you want something work with. But I gotta hear your final answer first.

      • I’d like to work with you and see how well this goes. I’m not sure how long you’d like this story to be, but $60 is fine by me. I’ve got PayPal so payment shouldn’t be difficult. You can email me details at readingintheshadows@gmail.com.

      • Alright. Then it’s accepted. I’ll send you a detailed plot notes featuring character bios and additional character bios with a detailed summary of the type of story I want.

        But I must give you a heads up that 1.) The Notes have some grammar errors so apologizes if some sentencing structures sounded off to you. 2.) My job’s paychecks maybe quite unpredictable sometimes I get a good paycheck or a low one which means I won’t pay you full upfront on friday and might split the payment by 20$ until it leads up to 60$.

        You’re ok with that?

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